Word of the Day: SOS


February 15, 2018: SOS \ ES-oh-ES \  noun;

1. Any call for help.
2. The letters represented by the radio telegraphic signal (· · · – – – · · ·) used, especially by ships in distress, as an internationally recognized call for help.


Captain Carson Bradley, sun-kissed auburn hair tousled perfectly despite the lack of breeze on this alien planet, surveyed the battlefield. All six of the junior ensigns he had brought along on this mission lay dead in smoldering heaps on the ground, and while it presented the perfect opportunity to break out his patented and very sexy tragic hero look, he had kind of been counting on at least a couple of them to help him turn the tide of this battle. Now all he had was his second officer, who was very unhelpfully shooting him that annoying evil look he did every time he got a junior ensign or two killed (that’s what junior ensigns were for, wasn’t it?), and his ship’s doctor, who had been screaming since about three minutes ago when one of the junior ensigns was incinerated a foot away from him.

With eyes squinted sexily against the harsh alien sun, Carson stared across the field at their ruthless enemy. The Krull had been making his life difficult ever since he had tried to unsuccessfully seduce their Grand Matriarch in an attempt to speed up peace talks between the Krull and the Cosmic Alliance. After all, talk was cheap and his abs were amazing.

But now the Grand Matriarch herself stood across the battlefield, firing her neutron blaster straight for his head any time he peaked over the rock he was heroically hiding behind.

“I think we’re going to need a few more junior ensigns,” Carson said, pulling out his communicator.

“Don’t you dare!” First Officer Sebastian Hook yelled. “I forbid it! I forbid you!”

“Forbid me?” Carson asked with a hearty laugh. “I’m your commanding officer, Sebastian.”

“Which is why I only screamed impotently as you ordered six junior officers to ‘rush the front lines, no trust me, it’ll be fine, I’m the captain, I’ve done this a million times before, just run in there guns blazing.’ But this is it. It’s mutiny time,” First Officer Hook said grimly.

Carson paused. It wasn’t the first time Sebastian had used the ‘M’ word, but this time seemed different.

“Were you having sex with one of those ensigns, you dog?” Carson asked with a wide, sparkling grin.

“WHAT?” Sebastian demanded, eyes wide with disbelief, hands buried in his hair. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! THOSE WERE HUMAN LIVES!”

“I think one of them was a Martian, actually,” Carson chuckled. He was renowned for his cutting humour in the face of death. He was hilarious.

“OH MY GOD! WHAT ARE YOU?!” Sebastian demanded, clearly impressed with Carson’s cavalier attitude.

“I’m the dashing hero who’s going to get us out of this mess,” Carson assured him with a wink. “As soon as I call down a few more ensigns.”

“No. Nope. This is it. I’m done.” Sebastian was shaking his head vehemently. “Spencer? Spence. Stop screaming for a second,” he said, yelling over the captain’s head to finally start doing his job. The screaming was getting annoying.

“I KNEW HIM!” The ship’s doctor, Spencer Green screamed, still staring at the ashy remains of one of the junior ensigns. “I ATE BREAKFAST WITH HIM! HE HAD SCRAMBLED EGGS!”

“I know, bud. It’s okay. This isn’t happening anymore. It’s mutiny time,” Sebastian said calmly.

Carson chuckled. “What a tactic, Sebastian. Faking a mutiny to get our dear doctor to pull himself together and see if he can harvest any useful parts from those ensigns. Genius.”

Spencer had been about to stop screaming, but upon hearing the word “harvest,” the screaming only gained in intensity.

“OH SHUT UP, CARSON!” Sebastian yelled, shooting him that look again that Carson didn’t quite understand.

What happened next was even more incomprehensible. Sebastian threw his blaster over the rock, raised his hands in the air, and stood up. And no one shot him. If someone had at least shot him, this could be opening Carson needed to deftly roll across the battlefield and get behind enemy lines, where he would take the Grand Matriarch into his arms and seduce her into a ceasefire. But no one was shooting!

“Madame Matriarch, my name is Sebastian Hook. I’m the first officer of the Cosmic Alliance vessel Thrustforce.”

Why was Sebastian talking to these people? Why did he cringe when he said ‘Thrustforce’? It was the coolest starship name in the cosmos. Carson knew — he had named it himself.

“You’re not making me want to shoot you any less,” the Grand Matriarch said icily. But she and her honour guard of sixteen of the finest and most beautiful Krull warrior women still had their neutron blasters pointed squarely at the rock Carson was hiding behind.

“Distract them better so I can roll heroically over there!” Carson hissed at Sebastian, who rolled his eyes.

“Look, we both have the same problem here,” Sebastian said, pointing a thumb in Carson’s direction. “That guy.”

“I’m listening,” the Grand Matriarch said, arching a perfectly sculpted brow to glance at Carson with what some would have called disdain, but with what he knew was repressed lust.

“I don’t blame you for shooting our ensigns, I saw those warning shots. But with Captain Idiot screaming ‘GO GO GO! THROW YOURSELF UPON THE KRULL’ you didn’t have much choice,” Sebastian said for some reason. What kind of ploy was this? A terrible one, obviously. Captain Idiot indeed.

“We indeed regret the loss of life,” the Grand Matriarch said, further confusing Carson. What exactly was going on here?

“We appreciate that. And we also need to apologize for the actions that started this entire mess — our Captain’s actions at the peace treaty,” Sebastian said, lowering his hands. Carson waited for him to get shot, but he still wasn’t being shot and it was getting really frustrating.

“And we appreciate that. Understand that we are not an unkind people, but we cannot understand why you choose to follow that buffoon,” the Grand Matriarch said, shooting another glare filled with barely hidden sexual desire in Carson’s direction.

“I can’t give you a good answer for that, Madame Matriarch. The Cosmic Alliance has some ridiculous rules in place, and for too long we placed those rules above common sense, above sanity, but it’s cost too many lives,” Sebastian turned to stare at Carson. “Plus, right now we’re on a remote alien planet and if something were to happen to the Captain we could lie about it and avoid having to be branded mutineers.”

Carson stared at Sebastian, perfect pouty lips hanging open.

“WHAT?” Carson demanded.

“What are you suggesting, First Officer Hook?” the Grand Matriarch asked, completely ignoring Carson.

“Me and Spencer here are going to throw the Captain out into the middle of the battlefield, and then we’re going to turn around. After that, we’ll have a brief memorial for our former captain’s heroic sacrifice on our newly renamed ship, and then her new captain will take her back to your home planet where we can resume peace talks, thanks to Carson Bradley’s noble actions,” Sebastian explained calmly.

Carson stared.

“WHAT?!” he demanded for the second time, a little shrilly this time. But still really sexy.

The Grand Matriarch turned to her cadre of beautiful warrior women to discuss the proposition and for a moment, Carson was sure this had been the plan all along. But when he stood up to start rolling across the battlefield, a neutron blast missed him by less than a hair’s width and he quickly ducked back behind the boulder. Sebastian definitely wasn’t trying to distract them. Almost totally definitely.

“You are clearly a man of good sense, Captain Sebastian Hook,” the Grand Matriarch said with a small smile and a nod, as she turned back to face the crew of the Thrustforce.

That sounded bad.

“Thank you, Grand Matriarch,” Sebastian returned the nod solemnly, and began making his way towards Carson.

That was when Carson noticed that Spencer had stopped screaming, and was advancing on him too. Frantically, he pulled out his communicator. “MAYDAY! MAYDAY! SOS! SOS!” he screamed into the communicator.

Sebastian and Spencer grabbed him forcefully and began dragging him out from behind his rock. The Grand Matriarch and her cadre began approaching.

“MAYDAY! CREW! YOUR CAPTAIN IS BEING TURNED ON! IT’S A MUTINY!” he continued to scream, but stopped when he heard a cheer from the other end of the communicator.

“Sorry Captain,” Spencer said quietly as he dragged Carson towards his impending doom.

“Spencer, thank god–” Carson began, but was cut off before he could continue.

“No Spence, I’m sorry. If we’d just listened to you, we would have done this a long time ago, and saved a lot of lives,” Sebastian replied.

Carson stared at them both in horror. This wasn’t right. He was the captain! He was the one who seduced the leaders of alien cultures to get them to join the Cosmic Alliance, sometimes. He was the one whose shirt was currently ripped to artfully display his sexy abs. Dammit, he was the only who looked good in the stupid gold uniforms they made captains wear!

“Guys? You’re not really going to do this,” Carson begged, trying fitfully to struggle out of their arms.

“Carson,” Sebastian began as they stopped in the middle of the battlefield. Carson stared up at him hopefully.

“GO GO GO! THROW YOURSELF UPON THE KRULL!” Sebastian yelled with a grin, and shoved him towards the waiting alien beauties.


Note: I’m still pretty sure “SOS” isn’t a word, Dictionary.com. But on the other hand, I got to write about my favourite kind of character, so I guess I’ll forgive you. You were too awesomely stupid for this world, Carson Bradley. I’ll write some of your other adventures someday, I’m sure.

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